oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I wish there were birth control emojis
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize