Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I deserve this hangover.
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