I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
