you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
