ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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