My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
