just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i think i scared a bird with my dick
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
