I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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