Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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