It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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