Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
