I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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