I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just blew my weed a kiss
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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