your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Houston, we have a squirter
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
