the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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