My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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