Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
