I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Be still, my beating vagina.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Randomize
