Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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