So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She bit a glass in half.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
