Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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