She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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