You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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