Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
not ubering you a puppy
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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