I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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