Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize