I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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