I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
