Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
