Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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