you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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