my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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