My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
