so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
