Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
