did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
