does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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