This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
