You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
