you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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