I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think I died a long time ago.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
