She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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