I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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