Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
