whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
