Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
