my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
