turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
