okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
