you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
