i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize