you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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