I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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