Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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