What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize