I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
being pregnant is like rehab
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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